Doubts That Assail

When I was a young man I had more doubts than anyone should carry.

I cherished my doubts. I nursed them, babied them, fostered them, as one would a sickly pet or plant.

Here are a few examples. Marriage was an early goal of mine. But, I doubted that I’d find a suitable wife. I found several good prospects (the first one was when I was in the third grade, but that’s a story unto itself).

As a Senior at CAA, I discovered a young lady who agreed to marry me, but when I graduated, leaving her behind to finish high school, our friendship couldn’t survive the separation. A four hour lecture by the Girls Dean filled me with more doubts.

When the most likely one at WWC agreed to marry me, I doubted that she had made the right choice and I almost backed out. I doubted that I could be a good husband… father… teacher… plasterer… carpenter… electrician… painter… plumber… heavy equipment operator… grandfather… photographer… writer.

My doubts led to a lot of depression throughout the years. Eventually, I began to doubt that God even existed. I doubted that God, if He existed, would care a wit for me. After 18 years of wondering in a wilderness of doubt, God brought me upright with the death of my father.

I thank God daily that He delivered me from the days of depressive doubts. I’ve learned to shrug off those things that I can’t do well, and give God the glory and credit for those things that I CAN do well.

I just wish that I would have learned to do that 50 years earlier … but then, how did I know then, that I’d even live 50 years, or take so long to learn anything as important as trusting God! All He wanted to do was to carry my “load” in life, and I kept trying to snatch it back from Him.

I became a man of fierce independence. “I’ll do it my way.” “I can do it.” “My way or the highway.” All very familiar slogans. The road to becoming a “self- made man” was a roller coaster ride with my family on-board, whether they liked roller coaster rides or not.

When I compare the last twelve years of my life to the previous sixty years, I shudder at the possible differences in my life if I had only learned sooner to Let God.

Let God. I recommend it highly.

Jeremiah 29:11-12

11 For surely I know the plans I have for you, says the Lord, plans for your welfare and not for harm, to give you a future with hope. 12 Then when you call upon me and come and pray to me, I will hear you.

How much better would my life have been if I had spent more time discovering those plans that he had for my life? If I had spent less time trying to my life for me?

The upside would have been less time being depressed, and wallowing in doubt.