Global Warning Lays over Yacolt

YACOLT, WA: The icebergs that have been a familiar sight around the valley are on their way to extinction. Climatologist, D. Warren Strawn, claims that with the coming heat wave, more and more stockmen will notice a shrinking of the life-giving icebergs in their watering tanks.

“In fact,” he says, “We will undoubtedly see an marked increase of dead and dying wildlife who have become dependent on the icebergs in the area. Most likely there will be an increase in road-kill as desperate animals search for ice to maintain their body’s hydration.”

After a prolonged Ice Age of nearly 400 thousand seconds, the Global Warming that was predicted by Al Gore and other noted scientist is becoming a reality.

Until just recently, the stock were dependent on the warmth of their tongue to thaw the ice for drinking.

The mayor of Yacolt was unavailable for comment. When President Obama was contacted in Copenhagen and made aware of this local problem, his response was, “Serves you hicks right. You should have listened to Al Gore sooner.”
“However,” he winked, “We’ll take care of you. We have the right to print more money.”

Towards the end of the last Ice Age, some 302,500 seconds ago, especially cows and dogs, were growing dependent on their owners to break ice for them. It is feared by many that a they have lost their ability to sip water and must be re-trained or suffer a horrible death by dehydration.

Local dog owner, E.E. Strawn, has built a stanchion in their
stock tank to assist in her re-training efforts. Jolie, an exceptionally intelligent Black Lab/mix seems to enjoy her training exercises. At one point during this interview, she tentatively stepped onto the melting ice as though she remembered swimming.

One local Land Baron, Jimmy Creagan, Esq., has been forced to sell all his herd of rare African/American cows, because he has been unable to re-train them to drink and they were continually breaking the fences to find ice. “But the devastation doesn’t stop there,” he blustered, “President Obama needs to make a law against all this Global Warming Cr*p! We certainly don’t need it. I’m being forced out of my snowmobile racing hobby, too.”

“It’s an everyday struggle with the four dogs,” laments his wife Vickie, “But they are slowly getting back the ability to lap water. I hope we won’t have to sell them too!”

As soon as the thaw began, locals began petitioning their Representatives. Already a Congressional bill, (HR-OSh1T) has been introduced  by Rep. Brian Baird, in the House, to develop a Stock Re-Training Bill. Among other things, HR-OSh1T would provide $1.250 Billion “slush fund” for the training of farmers in methods of preventing dehydration of livestock, before they become dead stock.

When pressed to see how these monies would be allocated and administered, Rep. Baird quipped, “We’ll leave that to the educators, we trust them to do the right thing. We know about money, they know about education.”

Click here for more photos of the present devastation.
Donald Strawn is a Free-Lance columnist for the Yacolt Post-Illuminati